Aims

Protect and grow our bureaucratic empire at the expense of innocent lives.

Objectives

	Make speeding the only traffic offence.
	Meet Gordon Brown's targets for stealth taxation.
	Re-introduce the Red Flag Act.
	Criminalise every driver in Tayside.

News Update

PRESS RELEASE - 16th March 2005

Scotland's safest drivers to be blitzed by Speed Camera super-Conspiracy

The Tayside Speed Camera Conspiracy, in association with a number of other neighbouring conspiracies, today launched a new initiative: "No business left". The conspiracies have teamed up to apply even more pressure to drivers who rely on their vehicles to earn their livelihood

Chief Inspector of Taxes Stanley (Stand and Deliver) Badman explained "Commercial vehicles travel more miles than private cars - and every mile travelled is another opportunity for us to extract yet more money. Targeting high-mileage drivers is just good business."

Mr Joe Gorbals, head of Public Relations at Northern Scotland Traffic Police Press Liaison Office explained the scheme. "Our research suggests that there is only one road user more detested by the public than our traffic officers, and that is White Van Man. If we tax him off the road, we're betting the public will think we're not all bad."

The scheme has not been without its challenges. "We already know that White Van Man is actually one of the safest road users (see here), and we've had to take steps to prevent these unpleasant facts from upsetting our very sensible and worthwhile propaganda." commented TSCC's blatherer-in-chief Richard Witless. A crack team of joke-writers and lexicologists spent over four months at a secret location in the Seychelles creating a suitable verbal defence. "We've invented a whole new word: 'White Van Man-iac'. We're rather proud of it, and think it's a major contribution to road safety. We're hoping the public will start using this in preference to the old-fashioned, and much more accurate 'Delivery driver'"

The Conspiracy is now repainting all its white vans dark grey.

(The real story)

PRESS RELEASE - 7th January 2005

Drink-drive convictions down, Drink-drive accidents up.

Figures released by Tayside Police yesterday confirmed that the number of drink-drivers breathalysed over the Christmas period fell by 16% when compared to Christmas 2003, yet the number of accidents involving drunk drivers more than doubled.

Head of Roads Policing within Tayside Police, Chief Inspector of Taxes Stanley Badman commented "These figures demonstrate our speed camera policy is working as it should. Even the most sozzled and irresponsible of motorists are now slowing down as they pass our cameras." When asked to comment on the appalling rise in drink-related accidents, Badman said "Our present policy is to regard vehicular collisions as being minor offences. Accidents involving alcohol are not part of our road safety policy. As long as motorists drink at below the legally posted speed limit - 30 mixers per hour in an urban pub - they'll be perfectly safe from prosecution.

A spokesman for BASTADD, the British Association for the Support of All Drink-Drivers, today welcomed the announcement with the words "Bottoms up!"

(The real story)

PRESS RELEASE - 7th January 2005

Traffic Policeman achieves 136 mph

A traffic policeman, caught by a speed camera on the A9 travelling at over twice the speed limit, has been banned from driving for a year.

PC Blair McMaster was photographed driving his high-powered sports car at 136 mph, in wet conditions and failing light on the outskirts of Inverness. Fiscal Gary Aitken told Inverness Sheriff Court that the use of speed cameras restricted the charges against McMaster to speed offences, and that more appropriate and serious charges such as dangerous driving could not be made. PC McMaster's response was "Phew!"

Mr Joe Gorbals, head of Public Relations at Northern Scotland Traffic Police Press Liaison Office said "PC McMaster is a highly-trained officer of the Traffic Division, fully-qualified in the use of laser speed detectors, and with extensive experience in all aspects of notebook operation. He was fully-conversant with the normal procedures for evading prosecution, and it was only a momentary lapse of concentration which permitted this charge to reach the court at all. We will be investigating thoroughly the mistakes in this incident, and you can be assured that no further officers will need to face such charges."

Mr Gorbals added "Civilian speeding is a very dangerous and serious matter. Members of the public, children, and other stupid people should not be tempted to follow PC McMaster's example"

PC McMaster returned to work after the hearing.

PRESS RELEASE - 15 December 2004

Tayside conspirators overwhelmingly in support of speed cameras

In a recent public opinion survey, 89% of members of the Tayside Speed Camera Conspiracy agreed with the statement 'The use of safety cameras should be supported as a method of raising revenue'. This level of support has remained consistent year on year against the results of the 2003 survey.

Head of Roads Policing within Tayside Police, Chief Inspector of Taxes Stanley ("Stand and Deliver") Badman said, "It is encouraging to see the work of the Tayside Speed Camera Conspiracy being so well supported by its beneficiaries. We also saw the same low level of people as last year (less than 15%) believing that there are too many cameras in the local area; if anything we find that people are keen to see more - the very same people who believe that income tax is too low and the TV licence would be cheap at ten times the price."

The public opinion survey was carried out by Tayside Police on behalf of the conspiracy during October and November across the Dundee, Angus and Perth and Kinross council areas. 1000 questionnaires were sent out to a random selection of chief police officers, conspiracy employees, and other known supporters. Of the 300 that were returned and judged to be correctly completed, 89% agreed that "Cameras are meant to encourage drivers to drive safely", 84% agreed that "The primary aim of cameras is to save lives" and some 95% agreed that "Exceeding speed limits is a major cause of drug abuse and under-age pregnancy in laboratory rats".

In its review statement, a spokesman for the TSCC said "We were hoping to commission an independent and unbiased questionnaire this year, but many other reputable surveys convinced us that public opinion is still hopelessly against us, and we would have stood no chance of getting the results we wanted. It is with regret that, even using this carefully selected sample, we are forced to pretend that 250 supporters out of 1000 represents 89% support, rather than the more accurate, but ultimately unhelpful 25%. We are investigating more sophisticated polling methods for next year, in order to make our announcements less bald-faced"

The widely-held belief that 'Cameras are an easy way of making money out of motorists' is also gradually being eliminated from the responses, with the number of respondents writing this in the margins of their forms almost halved compared to last year's survey. "We used smaller margins" explained Badman.

PRESS RELEASE - 8 November 2004

Latest accident figures announced - fatalities doubled

Figures released today by the Tayside Police show a striking rise in accident figures: In the six months, January to June 2004, deaths and serious injuries doubled compared to the same period last year, and exceeded the fatality rate for the whole of 2002/3.

The Tayside Speed Camera Conspiracy were in jubilant mood today. A spokesman said "This represents conclusive proof that speed cameras work. Every accident occurred somewhere other than where we put the cameras. All we need to do is cover every single yard of Tayside's roads with cameras, and all the accidents will be forced into neighbouring counties."
.

PRESS RELEASE - 4 Aug 2004

Accident blackspots "a mystery"

After strenuous enquiries from several different quarters, Tayside Police today admitted that they have no idea of the most likely locations of accidents. Chief Inspector of Taxes Stanley Badman explained "We cannot say where the accident blackspots are. Mere statistics cannot give us that kind of information."

The Tayside Speed Camera Conspiracy reaffirmed its adherence to the rules which require all cameras to be erected in the vicinity of accident blackspots. When asked to comment on CI Badman's position, they replied "That's quite correct. We erect cameras in the vicinity of blackspots. We don't know where the blackspots are. Consequently, we don't always know where the cameras are. At any point in time some two thirds of our cameras and vehicles are missing. Rest assured, we have an entire department of people who are responsible for finding them again.

In a related move, the Lawrencekirk/Marykirk junction on the A90 was named one of the five most dangerous junctions in Scotland, claiming five lives in as many years. A spokesman for the police said "Where?"

PRESS RELEASE - 1 July 2004

Mindless camera vandalism puts revenues at risk

Vandals attempted to damage a speed camera on the southbound carriageway of the A90 in the early hours of this morning (Thursday, 1 July). Fire services. Police, anti-terrorist experts, and rapid-response accountancy crews were called to attend the incident, at one of Tayside Speed Camera Conspiracy's fixed sites, at Inveraldie, north of Dundee.

Tayside Speed Camera Conspiracy project manager, David Farmer said: “This was an extremely dangerous and thoughtless act of vandalism where the perpetrators were endangering not only themselves but all our livelihoods. Speed cameras are there to tax road users for the benefit of us all."

John Snapper, an investigating officer at the incident said "It's shocking. This is £40,000-worth of equipment whose sole purpose is to gather photographic evidence of dangerous crimes." Asked if there was any evidence to help identify the perpetrator, Mr Snapper replied "Not a shred. We believe they left the scene at less than the posted speed limit. They're damned clever, these vandals!"

Tayside Police would like to appeal to any road users travelling on the A90, this morning, and who may have noticed a parked vehicle, or indeed anything travelling below the speed limit, on the A90 southbound carriageway between midnight and 1.30am on Thursday, 1 July to contact Tayside Police on 01382 223200. A spokesman for the investigating team said this morning "We should be so lucky!"

PRESS RELEASE - 25 June 2004

Latest accident figures announced - Deaths up yet again, speeding convictions at record levels.

Figures released today by the Tayside Police show a striking rise in accident figures: In 2003 road deaths were up 37% over the previous year. Last week, the Department for Transport in London announced similar news: announcing 100 more deaths than in 2000 - the year the speed camera schemes began

But it wasn't all bad news. Tayside's speed cameras convicted twice the number of motorists as in the previous year, and netted over £1M in fines. Chief Inspector of Taxes Stanley Badman commented "The rise in speeding convictions and the increased fines demonstrates that the speed camera system is working as intended. We're raking in the money". When asked about the increased death toll, he commented "Ah, yes. The effectiveness of the conspiracy cannot yet be fully judged."

A spokesperson for the Tayside Speed Camera Conspiracy said today "The conspiracy is saddened by the loss of life", but pointed out that "The fines are encouragingly high" and insisted that road fatalities are not the concern of the conspiracy which is fundamentally a tax-raising organisation.